Some time ago we received an email from a wife asking what she should since a child had resulted from her husband’s affair. Here was our response:
Counsel for you:
- Ask God to heal your heart from your shock, pain, and husband’s infidelity.
- Regardless of whether your husband asks for forgiveness or accepts responsibility, forgive so YOU can be free.
- Remember your vows, which likely included some version of, “For better or worse …”
- While you have civil and biblical grounds for a divorce due to your husband’s adultery, understand that you don’t have to get a divorce. We have a friend who seriously considered a divorce after her husband’s affair, but said that that wasn’t God’s plan for her. So, again, while you have grounds for divorce, you don’t have to go that route.
- Recognize — and accept — that a) the child is innocent in the situation, and b) the child is now part of your husband’s life. This means that the child is now a part of your life. Refusing to be involved with the child will create conflict with your husband, and can do further damage to your marriage. Moreover, it will cause a rift between you and the child, which had nothing to do with his/her existence. For a moment, imagine growing up in a home where you’re the child, and your father’s wife doesn’t want anything to do with you because you’re not biological. How would that make you, the innocent child, feel?
- Read this article: When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair.
- Strongly consider counseling from a licensed counselor, pastor or other professional (with your husband).
- Read this article: Surviving Infidelity: 3 Things You Must Know If You Are Surviving an Affair
- Watch this video: Losing Trust In Your Spouse
Counsel for your spouse:
- Admit your wrong to God and your spouse, and seek forgiveness.
- Forgive yourself.
- Do right by the baby’s mother.
- Do right by the child.
- Demonstrate your love for your wife going forward by being faithful, honest, and transparent.
- Read this article: Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage After an Affair.
14 comments
Skip to comment form ↓
Neysa
April 13, 2012 at 2:33 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’ve so been there… You can get past it and love the child! http://myriadthatisme.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-not-stepmom.html
Kevin B. Bullard
April 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thanks, Neysa. There are many who disagree with you, so I’m happy to see this positive response. Praying for you!
Naledi Manthi
April 13, 2012 at 3:12 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Would like to receive anything on marriagerr.
Kevin B. Bullard
April 13, 2012 at 4:48 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Please subscribe to the iMarriage Club (top right corner on this site), and follow us at facebook.com/marriageworks or twitter.com/mrgwrks. Thanks!
Emm
April 13, 2012 at 3:12 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
This is a very difficult subject for me whereas my wife of a few years had cheated on me and as a result of this has contracted an STD (Herpes) which I have been tested negative for (Thank GOD). Now the hard part is trying to forgive her for the transgressions against our marriage and also now we must approach our “physical relationship” in a whole new way….Asking for many prayers for strength in forgiveness…..
Kevin B. Bullard
April 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Emm: Thanks for the post. That’s real life, and the feelings you’re experiencing are valid. My heart goes out to you. There are a lot of resources on this page that may assist you: http://kbb.bz/HAyzHg
Lynn
April 19, 2012 at 10:47 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Gosh, Kevin…… You are on point with your blogging! My husband has been cheating on me since 2009… I have been praying to God for strength and guidance to get through this. There is a baby that may be his…..the girl stated that the baby is his. Now she is saying that the baby is not his b/c I found out about her. I think that she is afraid that I am going to do something to her legally. I’m not even trying to do anything like that. My life has been turned upside down! I just want my simple life back. My husband is not doing any of the things that you have listed as things that a spouse in the wrong should do to make the marriage work. He claims that he still wants to be with me, but actions speak louder than words. I am not hearing anything from his actions! How can I make his realize that I need validation from him that he still loves me and wants this marriage to work? Thanks.
Kevin B. Bullard
April 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Dear Lynn, it may be that you need to 1) share the post with him to get his reaction, and 2) make an appointment to see a counselor in your area (see http://kbb.bz/IBxE4I). If he’s not taking steps to match his words, you have every reason to be concerned. While you cannot make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, you can certainly pray that God will get control of his heart and turn it towards you.
Patricia
April 24, 2012 at 11:48 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My husband had an affair and to that a child was born. I thought of my vows and prayed so hard. Ir forgave him. He wanted nothing to do with the child in fear of my feelings. So i stepped up and made the effort to reach out to the child and the mother even tho she had her family rob my home while my two young children was home. But she is messy and our marriage dont need that. He pays child support but she wants to be supervised visits and we dont want that. Mrs. Texas
Kevin B. Bullard
April 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thanks for writing Patricia. That does, indeed, sound like a messy situation. I couldn’t tell from your message, but are you and your husband taking steps to repair your marriage?
marilyn
January 12, 2013 at 11:51 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My husband cheated on me 2years ago that resulted in a child the mother of the doesn’t want my husband involved in the chids life because we chose to stay together I’m not sure if I should be happy about this are sad for my husband
Kevin
January 13, 2013 at 6:58 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I think either way it creates pressure for your marriage. I think it’s great that you two found a way to stay together, and I encourage you to keep supporting him. And, who knows, the baby’s mother may relent at some point when she sees her spite is ineffective against your marriage.
Kevin recently posted..Feeling Entitled Weakens Your Marriage
Shelby
March 29, 2013 at 1:17 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
How do you tell your children about the child if it is going to be a part of their life and should you tell them right away.
Pam
April 10, 2013 at 5:41 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My husband and I were recovering from him having an affair almost two years ago. We were very up and down for the past two years, with my un-forgiveness, anger, and not trusting him and him not taking true responsibility for his actions and the consequences that was coming along with it. Since about September he has been wonderful and doing all of the things he should have been doing to make our marriage work and we are doing really great. However, I have reason to believe that his turn around is due in part to him cheating again with someone else. I know 100% that this woman is pregnant with twins and has moved to another state. Neither of them knows that I am aware of any of this. Now whether they are sure that these are his or not, or what either of them think that they are doing by hiding it, I am not certain. I have been taking time to digest this and to pray to God for his direction on whether to stay or leave (due to him being unfaithful yet again). My question is should I tell my husband what I know, or should I wait until I know what God is leading me to do, or until he comes and confesses to me. Part of me feels like they are both experiencing what they deserve with them trying to hide this from me and by me saying something first (before I know what I should do) is letting them off of the hook, and opening up the door for me to deal with all of the emotions of this situation and my uncertainty at the same time.