We recently received a question from a wife who was sexually active prior to marriage. When she got married, she brought those experiences, into a marriage with a husband who was a virgin. She’s curious about what is “allowed” in the bedroom, and how she can get her sexually conservative husband to try different sex acts, particularly ones she enjoyed prior to marriage.
Dear Mary – thanks for writing.
Let me start out by saying that anything goes in the bedroom when a) both husband and wife are genuinely comfortable (meaning neither has a violated conscience before/during/after the act), b) there’s no violation of God’s law, and c) there’s no violation of civil law.
As for what happens in your bedroom, I can understand your husband feeling uncomfortable with certain things given he was a virgin when you married, and your sexual experiences. Also, how he was brought up, and his relationship with God plays into this greatly.
My counsel to you is that you not force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do or even pressure him into trying. This will actually work AGAINST your sexual relationship instead of aiding it. The last thing you want to do is make him feel discomfort, shame, or like an unexperienced beginner in what should be one of the greatest experiences in marriage.
Find out why he’s uncomfortable, then respect his answer. If this is causing a big issue in the marriage, you might want to consider visiting a licensed [and preferably Christian] professional. Regardless of the path you take, one word should drive your requests & responses to your husband: love.
Love is honorable, respectful, kind, giving, and preferential. Love does no harm to its neighbor, and seeks the other person’s good. When you love your husband, and commit the situation to the Lord, thing will get better.
Now, “better” may mean that the sexual experiences you enjoyed pre-marriage may not happen in your marriage. But, the tradeoff could be that your husband feels comfortable sexually. You must accept this and seek to make the most of the sexual experiences you do have in your marriage. I encourage you to checkout a friend of ours who discusses intimacy in marriage: Intimacy In Marriage.